Recently, I spent 20 hours getting from Austin to London. It was thanks to tornadoes in Dallas, a detour to Detroit, a spare part going missing and a diversion to Houston. As you can imagine, I had time on my hands. As a result, here are some immutable laws of travel in today’s overcrowded skies.
1. The less time you have, the longer it’ll take.
2. The more important your objective at your destination, the more tension and frustration you’ll face en route.
3. Being in a hurry guarantees you will land at the airport 10 minutes after all the passengers disembarking the three jumbos from Nigeria, Korea and Bangladesh form queues at your immigration counter.
4. Whoever said the transit the time at LHR, LAX and JFK is 45 minutes has a grim sense of humor. It’s 3 hours.
5. If you’re running late for a connection, it will depart as scheduled for the first and only time that month.
6. None of the food on board is good for you.
7. Any wine tastes average at 30,000 feet.
8. Apart from the horizontal beds on Air New Zealand, Virgin and British Airways, not all airline beds are equal. You can prove this by trying the angled ones on Delta, Continental and American. 9. If for some strange reason your flight lands on time, there will be no parking gate for the plane and you will be bussed to the terminal 20 minutes late.
10. Any spare part required to fix a mechanical problem on your aircraft is stored at an airport no less than 2 hours flight time away.
11. The most talkative, most boring idiot in the world is in the seat next to you.
12. Take the train!
P.S. Always be nice to airline staff, they hate it as much as you do.